TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from area. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have An additional place where American Adult men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although previous negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: present All people a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he must stop applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You know, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon Trump Tower Damascus has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a element remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after getting the building's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "wherever's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD might have change-down provider."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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